I've been in a battle

So, it's been exactly a month since my last blog post, and I know some of you are wondering where in the heck I've been!  A few of you have even written to me out of concern.  I'm so sorry to worry anyone.  I really am.  But I don't want to write if I don't have anything of potential value to say, and lately, I've felt a little flat in the writing department. 

One of my sweet friends thought maybe I had "fallen off the wagon" and offered encouragement and support for continuing to blog. While I haven't fallen off the wagon - that is to say that I haven't left my plan to live a more healthy lifestyle and to make healthy food choices - I have been on a bit of a detour.

In the last month, I had a birthday. And while I did my best to keep busy and plan some activities to celebrate my birthday, it seemed to bring me to a familiar place in my life - depression. 

The battle begins

I have battled depression for more years now than I care to remember, and it's an illness that runs in my family.  Depression can sneak up on you and drag you down.  It tells you that you are worthless and tired.  It tells you that nobody cares about you.  It robs you of your energy and sometimes your will to live.  Unless you have suffered from depression yourself, it is very hard to understand the feelings that one can experience while in its grasp.  Some people think depression is not real; that you can simply will yourself out of being depressed by thinking happy thoughts or changing your thoughts.  No, it's not that simple.  And when depression grabs you, it clings to you with all its might.  This is what happened to me in the last 30 days - I entered a battle with depression.

What depression looks like - or doesn't

What happens to me during a battle is that I function.  I get up, get ready, and go to work.  I put on my happy face and get through the day.  When I leave work, I feel depleted and I go home and lay on my couch for the rest of the evening.  Sometimes, I even just go to bed.  Sometimes I sit and eat.  Then I get up and start all over again.  Depression also affects me socially.  I decline invitations, I don't return phone calls from friends, and I usually don't check my personal email.  I just don't feel like being a part of the world when I'm in a depression battle.  And that's not all.  The thoughts that I think during these battles are what's scariest for me.  I wonder where they come from and why they come at all.  Thoughts such as "you're no good, you're worthless, and no one loves you."  In reality, I know these thoughts are untrue and have no basis.  But they sneak in and penetrate my entire being during one of these battles and they build on each other.  And if they continue long enough and hard enough, they can cause damage. 

Depression looks different for everyone.  If you suffer from depression, your battles may look very different than mine.  You may not be able to function at all or you may lash out at people.  Every case is different.  Every case is real.

Snapping out of Depression 

I use the term "snapping out" because it seems that as quickly as the battle comes on, it goes. One day I wake up and everything seems normal again.  My days flow better and those nagging thoughts are gone.  And it's not because of anything I've done differently or any willpower or thoughts I've had to overcome it.  The depression just leaves me.  For some, it may take an anti-depressant to ensure the battles are held at bay.  And there's no shame in that as well. Truthfully, I should be taking medication, but I don't.  I don't have a good reason why other than I'm not good at remembering to take pills.  I will work on that!

Back to Normal

So I'm sharing this with you because you may have some dealings with depression in your life as well.  Maybe you suffer from it on occasion or have a friend or relative that does.  What I want you to know (if you don't already) is that depression is not something to be ashamed of.  It's not something to be swept under the rug.  If you are feeling depressed and are experiencing feelings of worthlessness or similar, talk to someone.  Talk to someone you trust.  Don't be embarrassed or dismiss it.  I can't stress that enough. It's important.  What you are feeling is important.  You are not crazy.  You are human.  You feel.  There is no shame in getting help.  There is no shame in having depression.  It does not define you; it does not determine who you are.  And as much as the depression would have you think otherwise, you are worth everything and you are important.  Always keep that truth in the forefront of your mind and remember it.

Some resources for help with depression:

www.ichope.com
www.HelpHorizons.com

Weight loss update

14.5 pounds down to date.  I'll take it and keep on plugging!

I promise to write again soon. I appreciate and value your support and feedback!